I’ve had a thing for dirty shoes since I was 10
Love dirty men alike
Out of all the songs on Sza’s “Cntrl” “Broken Clocks” is my fave. Yeah, I realize I’m late, but I had to wait for the hype to die down in order to really enjoy it.
There is something that I just can’t put my finger on about the song that keeps drawing me in. Maybe it’s the fact that the name of the song is broken clocks and I’ve always had this eye for still seeing the value in broken things and people. Or Maybe it’s that point where she talks about the love she had for dirty shoes as a child and the love of dirty men that it developed into that rings deep within me. But it’s something about that damn song that has me hooked.
The more I explore my attachment to that song, the more I begin to see my love for all things broken and dirty. Much like Sza, I was drawn to “dirty” things as a child. So much so that I gained the name, “Dirtball McGurk.” My mom and granny would often complain about the smell of outside that seemed to be embedded in my skin. The smell never bothered me and I never thought I was dirty. I loved the smell of wet grass, making mud piles, jumping in puddles, playing with wet leaves….. All of these things brought me joy. I didn’t see dirty things, I saw nature just the way God intended us to. I see people the same way, in their natural state despite whatever ” dirt” they may have on them. In my mind, it’s just the way God intended me to. It’s a gift. It’s my gift.
I am an Empath.
The definition of empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another
Empaths have more than understanding, we feel and influence the feelings of others around us. We read more than body language, we actually feel the emotional frequencies of the spaces that we are in. Because of this ability, we often can see who folks desire to be and not just who they are projecting out to the world.
I had known about my empathetic abilities for a while. I tried my best to ignore them for the longest, but this summer Spirit let me know I couldn’t afford to do that anymore. Iu had to begin to hone my gift and protect myself from energy.
Before I knew this, I always managed to love and care for the “unloveable” or “dirty” people. And as you can imagine, this is difficult to deal with, especially when it comes to romantic partners. When I look back at my relationship I realize that I was looking at the potential folk and you can imagine how that has turned out. A while ago a was talking to a former lover who expressed to me that one of the reasons he back away from our situation (yes, I describe it as a situation) was because I saw things in him he didn’t /couldn’t. He said and I quote ” Your love is INTENSE.”
This gift comes with great insights, but it also comes with great risk. My energy isn’t as accessible as it used to be. I can no longer just allow my brain to be “picked” and called upon when it is convenient for folks. I want to be a healthy and happy individual same as everyone else. Even if I do love broken and dirty things.
Beautiful! Relatable much? Yes!
My inability to embrace that gift left me broken. Now, I am shining the very same light I used to shine on these broken things towards myself (for I was broken). We deserve it too. We all need a taste of your medicine from time to time.